The Meaning of my Dove Tattoo
I always loved the idea of being free. Of walking away, or walking towards, at my discretion. Of saying “no” to the things I didn’t want, and “yes” to the things I did. True autonomy.
I lived a difficult childhood where I often felt suppressed, suffocated, unsafe. As a child, you don’t get to make decisions for yourself, you’re not in control of much at all. That’s so much harder still when the situations that you’re put into are detrimental to your physical and mental wellbeing, as well. But the idea of being free from it all was beautiful to me. I fantasized often of being an adult, living life on my terms. It sounded so incredibly amazing and even too good to be true. I could choose my home, my work, my day to day, even the people I surround myself with? If it isn’t clear, not vibing well with school was a big part of it. But one day I would be in a position to choose a career and a job to go to every day, and if I didn’t enjoy it, I could pick up and go somewhere else? Amazing. If someone, anyone mistreated me, I was allowed to walk away? That’s true freedom. At times I truly didn’t believe that the world could be so good to me if I just stuck it out until I was 18. That that’s just how life works once you’re grown. But I was determined to make it that far to find out.
I imagined all sorts of scenarios once I became an adult. Many of them, if not all, revolving around me living in Los Angeles, which I do now. I would have a cute little SUV and a dog in the front seat named Zeus, and we would take road trips around the country together. That was the dream.
Not that I’m big into tattoos, but I always wanted to get the word “free” tattooed on me somewhere one day, once I truly was.
Three days before I turned 18 I moved out on my own, and in many ways, I was free. Individuals who used to terrorize me as a minor didn’t hear from me for 6 months, until I felt like coming back around, and there was nothing they could do about it now. I did have a job that I didn’t love, so once I felt it was time to leave, I did and I found a job that I liked better. I lived with friends and the man I was seeing at the time, and if I needed space or we were butting heads, I could just leave. Sometimes others knew where I was going, other times no one did, and I liked it that way.
However, I learned quickly that there’s so much more to being able to call the shots in your own life. Hurdles in the way of finances, time constraints, obligations to others, even a lack of bravery at times. I had moved out in the middle of my senior year of high school, I enrolled myself in a homeschooling program and homeschooled myself in order to get my diploma. So I was proud of that, but I found myself just graduated from high school, working full time at 18 to support myself, without a car or a license (and not really knowing how to drive anyway), and I was just proud to be surviving. As you may have guessed, things like college were definitely out of the question.
Throughout my twenties it was clear that the world was not at my fingertips the way I would’ve hoped. Having no college education closed doors for me professionally, unhealthy relationships kept me feeling trapped, not having the income I needed prevented me from having the kind of home or living situation I wanted; whether it was having incompatible roommates, living in an unsafe area or not having a home at all.
Don’t get me wrong, my twenties were not bad. Eventful, yes. Challenging, definitely at times. But even still, I’ve actually had a very positive outlook on life since I’ve become an adult. I got my first apartment by myself with no roommates at 21; I loved that home and I grew so much there. I paid my rent with a check, so I learned how to write one. I learned how to put utilities in my name and pay bills. While others often complain about bills and responsibilities, I was thrilled to take it all on. I had a terrible job at the time actually, but I loved getting up and going to work everyday, earning a paycheck and paying my bills. I found joy in paying bills and rent because it represented my life being my own. 10 years later, I still feel this way.
Anyone who knows me knows I live my life to the fullest. I’ve been told my life is “high risk, high reward.” I know that, and I prefer it that way. I do what I can, everything I can, with what I have.
However, it was clear that even when I did have the ability or resources to have the adventures I wanted, I wasn’t always brave enough to truly be free. Throughout my twenties I connected deeply with friends, partners, and it’s difficult to feel free when you grow roots. I grew up in Columbus, Ohio, but never truly felt like I belonged there. I had always felt like I was meant to live in Los Angeles. Not just because it’s desirable and fabulous and everyone wants to go there, but something deeper was pulling me west. At times I wondered if I would be just another person talking about moving to California for years, even decades, and never doing it.
About 18-24, I didn’t have the resources to make big moves. At 25, I did move to Los Angeles, but my mindset had shifted. I started becoming afraid of things. To quickly address this part, I was living in someone else’s shadow at this time, feeling deep down that I wasn’t on the path God laid out for me anymore. I was made to believe that my big dreams were unrealistic, foolish, even “cringy.” I got very comfortable living a life that felt subpar to me. I didn’t strive for big things anymore, but at least my life became easy.
I was afraid of leaving relationships that weren’t good for me. I was afraid of leaving jobs that drained my soul. I always wanted to solo travel but once I broke free from the things that kept me from doing so, I realized I was too scared to even do it anyway. I had developed driving anxiety and so even when I had the funds, time and other resources to travel, for a long time I didn’t do much. Calling myself “free” never felt right, even though I wanted to be able to claim it so bad. I confined myself.
But in 2022, I was forced to get brave again. A personal life event rocked me harder than anything before and I found myself single at 29 living in Denver, Colorado of all places. My birthday was in just a couple of weeks, and dreading the idea of spending my birthday around anyone who knew me in this godforsaken city and having to pretend to be happy, I decided to solo travel for the first time. “Sorry, can’t make birthday plans! I’ll be out of town!” I booked the cheapest flight out of Denver, and so I ended up in Miami for four days.
I went through a lot of internal changes at this time, and 2 years later, I still am. I was annoyed and even angry at myself that I gave up so much in order to live a “safe” life; I didn’t risk anything, I held tightly onto the things I had and was not open to anything new because I needed to preserve the life I chose. I self-sacrified and settled for a lot because… it felt like the noble thing to do? High risk/high reward is foolish and I was naive in living by that philosophy. But I ended up losing it all anyway. SO I finally started to find my way back to the old me, my old way of thinking, that sometimes got me in trouble, that sometimes put me in stupid situations, but that also really paid off at times and made my life really fucking beautiful and vibrant and big.
For the CliffsNotes version, from 2022 to now I moved back to Los Angeles without ever seeing the home I was moving into first apart from on FaceTime. At that time I quit my 9-5 and became fully self-employed with Life, Veganized. I have met leaders of the vegan movement that I have watched in documentaries for 15 years. I have taken on projects and gigs that I felt I was very much not qualified for but figured it out anyway. My audience has grown remarkably, maybe doubled in 2 years? To 80,000 individuals. I have found myself sitting at tables that I only ever dreamt I would be a part of. And personally, I have remained open to connections with others; I have opened up to the wrong people, and the right people, and in the process I’ve found deep friendships, romance; I have loved quickly, and also been brave enough to walk away when I felt called to do so. I have leapt, many, many times.
Back in April of this year I found myself solo in Vegas. I’ve been solo tripping for a couple of years now, but this was my first time alone in Las Vegas. I had booked 3 days in the middle of the week to work with vegan restaurants; I brought my dog with me and made the 4 hour drive from LA to Vegas by myself. One of the evenings I was coming back to Resorts World, where I was staying, from a restaurant photoshoot and I parked on the top floor of the parking garage. I walked to the edge and looked out over the city. I’ve had so many memories here, so many incredible and interesting times, and weirdly enough I’ve grown so much here. And this trip was so different from my previous ones.
Las Vegas has revived a romantic relationship for me (more than once), I planned my wedding here that never came to be. I’ve stayed here longer than anticipated before and had to call in sick to work because I wouldn’t make it back home in time (I’m sure we all have one of those stories). And this week I was working with restaurants in a professional capacity that I’d only been to for fun in previous years. I’ve been in love here and been heartbroken here. I’ve met incredible people here, some ended up being longtime friends, and others I’d have amazing, fun memories with and never see again once we all traveled back home. This trip was my first time actually driving around Las Vegas myself because I’d always flown into Vegas, or driven here with others who drove while I was the “passenger princess.” Driving around Las Vegas always looked so scary, even from the back of an Uber.
And here I was, no employer to beg for vacation days, no one with me to coordinate plans, driving myself around this city solely to meet, work with and support vegan-friendly businesses that have the same passions and motivations that I do. Setting up photoshoots to be a total spectacle and eat alone at delicious restaurants while having lights and cameras on myself. And none of it was scary.
I had actually forgotten about that “free” tattoo for several years, since I stopped feeling free at all somewhere around my mid-twenties and had given up on the idea of ever tasting true freedom.
But in that moment, at the top of the Resorts World parking garage, I realized I’m doing everything that I used to be terrified to do, and that tattoo popped back into my mind for the first time in years. I thought that I may get it that week, as I would love to get it in Las Vegas, a city that means so much to me. But I decided to hold off until maybe my next Vegas trip.
View from the top of the Resorts World parking garage, April 2024
A few months later, in September, I heard that Vegas VegFest was coming up, and it would actually be the very last one. For how often I go to Las Vegas, I’d actually never been to their VegFest. I decided to go and booked a trip last minute. I would take this opportunity to meet with vegan restaurants again as well, and about a week before my trip, I thought of that “free” tattoo again.
Getting it done in Vegas felt right to me, like I’m taking a little bit of Las Vegas back home with me and carrying it with me everywhere I go. I thought of how I could make this experience extra special, and I decided I wanted to find a vegan tattoo artist in Las Vegas. I support so many different types of vegan-friendly businesses and business owners already, and finding a vegan tattoo artist sounded so new and exciting to me. I searched “vegan tattoo las vegas” on Instagram and found Nick Bones. I looked through his Instagram a bit and knew right away that I wanted to reach out to him.
I want to mention that I have a short but vivid memory from many years ago; I told my mother once that I wanted to get a tattoo of the word “free,” and she took it as free as in a price tag, rather than freedom, so I kind of scratched that idea and wanted some other type of representation for it.
Nick and I designing my dove
I chose a dove for many reasons, more than just freedom:
My nickname from my parents is Dove, it has been since I was born and they still call me Dove nearly as often as they use my actual name.
Doves represent peace; I’m frequently told I have a calming presence, and I can handle any storm that comes my way. I often pray for internal peace in my hectic life.
Doves are also a sign of faith. Remember that personal life event from 2022? After 5 years of straying further and further off God’s path for me, and losing my faith in the process, I went to God and for the first time ever I admitted to Him that I knew I was not living the life He had for me. I asked Him to remove me from it, “whatever it takes.” And one week later my life came to a screeching halt. I was forced off the path I was on and in a 3 hour timespan, everything was ripped from me. From that moment on, I promised God I would never doubt His existence or question His plan for me; I promised that I would have faith in Him always.
The placement is also significant to me; it’s somewhere that I said I would never tattoo myself. Anywhere below the elbow is (was) frowned upon where and when I’m from, and if you don’t want to be held back from job opportunities, avoid tattooing forearms. After being self-employed for a year and a half, this placement is a promise to myself that I will never go to work for someone else. Self-employment is my path and I cannot and will not go back. (Again, outdated thought, but when I see this on my arm I’m reminded of this promise)
And of course, it’s a reference of God’s promise of new beginnings. An unconventional life is full of endings and beginnings.
Stefanie is the founder of Life, Veganized, and a passionate vegan and animal advocate. She creates vegan recipes for all palates and resides in Los Angeles with her adorable puggle, Zeus.
